I've been on 56 blind dates. I'm married.

A friend got married last week, and her experience took courage: a total of 56 blind dates. I joked: "do you want to gather all the ethnic groups to get married?" "with 56 blind dates, there is a 90% chance that you can gather 12 constellations," she said. As for the nation, do the math yourself. " Curve wrecker! Anyway, I was curious. I talked to her in detail and got permission to write down the interview notes. (the exact probability calculated by some friendly neighbors is 0.9105688)

me: how long did it take to have so many blind dates? Do you find it hard?

Friends: blind dates for more than a year, together for more than a year. About one a week. I don't feel tired, it's quite interesting, it seems that many people regard blind dates as bitter and bitter, but in fact, they are not so bitter.

me: how did you think of going on a blind date?

friend: actually, my first thought is why I want to get married. I have been in love once before. Although I broke up, I still think that two people are happier to live together steadily than one. For example, there is someone to chat with, eat and play together, and there are people to discuss things. I intend to have children. Marriage can give them a more stable living environment. If you don't get married, you can't even get a birth permit in China.

after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, I felt a bit of a crisis about getting married when I thought I was 26. XX invited me to attend a live lecture, and I remembered a sentence: "how much preparation have you done for the college entrance examination?" How much preparation did you make to find a job? Why is it that when you find a lifelong partner, you don't make as much effort as you prepare for the interview? " The thing is, it takes me less time to find a boyfriend than 1% of my study. Take a job analogy, no matter how hard you usually try to do research, don't you still have to go to the interview in person? Having figured this out, I decided to take action.

me: what actions have been taken?

friend: pinch and figure out how many ways I can get to know men. The first thing that comes to mind is a male friend. If we could be together, we would have been together a long time ago, and the only one who had ever been moved was married. Besides, it's too familiar to do it. What if they say: I take you as a friend, you TM want to sleep with me? How embarrassing that is.

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then the boys. High school classmates can get in touch with too little, classmate reunion is only once a year. Because of professional reasons, there are only about 10 male students in the same class, and they are all taken care of. Apart from attending the reunion on time, this road is impossible.

just don't talk about it. I don't look good, so I give up.

some people say, "your future partner may be anywhere, and the only impossible place is your home." So you can't stay at home, you should go out and participate in more activities, such as outdoors and so on. Anyway, you can play alone, and a group of people is more lively. I have checked all kinds of hobby groups in Shanghai. As long as I check more, I will always find a suitable one, that is, the group whose members are young, single, and highly educated.

the school where I work is closed, living from Monday to Friday, surrounded by students and female teachers, you know. Single people always say that their circle is small, who can have my small circle? I have to consider a blind date, but my parents are not around, so I can only find friends and elders to introduce me. The dating website has also been tried.

me: it seems that you have thought of a lot of other ways besides a blind date.

Friends: I thought that only those arranged by elders were called blind dates, and the two families were family friends. However, later, my friend told me that peer introductions also count, including those I made an appointment to meet alone after participating in singles group activities, because the purpose of our meeting was very clear, that is, to consider developing a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. According to this standard, I have made a total of 56 blind dates, including 2 introduced by elders, 8 introduced by peers, 37 met at singles events, and 9 dating websites.

me: how do you remember so clearly?

friend: because I am so good at learning! Every time I meet a new blind date, I write it in my diary. Only when I reflect on myself can I make progress.

me: have you summed up the experience?

Friends: yes, the most important thing is to have a correct attitude, even if you don't have a good result for a blind date, at least for your good mood. A correct attitude can be divided into two aspects: how to treat a blind date, and how to treat a blind date.

the biggest complaint about a blind date is that it is not romantic and destroys the feeling. I don't care, as long as people have good feelings in the end. Compared with the great events that you have to experience in a lifetime, the ways to get to know yourself at first are all floating clouds. Maybe I am old, and I don't expect it to happen to me. A blind date is a way to get to know men, there is no difference between good and bad.

someone said, "A blind date is the largest fieldwork I have ever done." I think this attitude is the best, even if he is a strange word, you will not be angry to death, but with anthropological interest, to study where the strange work is different from normal people, time will pass quickly. If you meet a blind date for the first time, examine whether he is suitable to be the father of his child, it will be easy to dislike each other, can not set such a high standard. Can be step by step, the first side, two people do not know can have a good meal, do not chat to death, you can consider meeting the second. Some people are good at chatting with strangers, others are not good at it, give each other time to show merit.

me: before the blind date, have you ever thought about what the other person's strengths value most?

Friends: of course, I thought about it. When I first started on a blind date, I listed some of the advantages that I cared about most in my blind date. If I have an Excel, I just need to be a PPT. But then I corrected my attitude and only focused on the main points and didn't ask for so much. As long as the person is kind, responsible, and able to chat. Don't underestimate the fact that you can chat, as an actor said, the ideal partner is to wake up in the middle of the night and want to chat, and the other person will not feel that you are free. In addition to these three necessities, there are also some additional items, such as good academic qualifications, after all, I do not want both parties to have poor educational backgrounds that may lead to communication barriers.

me: what are the shortcomings of the other person that you least accept?

friend: can't accept entanglement with ex-girlfriend, can't accept mama's boy, can't accept that you have to have a boy. Everything else is negotiable. It is not that I am tolerant, but that I know that I also have shortcomings. If the other person's shortcomings are less than mine, then he can be worthy of a better person.

me: besides your husband, how many blind dates have you met the most?

friend: seven times. It was a good chat when we met for the first time, and the last six times confirmed that this sense of intimacy was friendship, not love. We became friends and introduced friends to each other. Among the blind dates, three people finally become friends, one of whom is a colleague, and now they will occasionally chat and talk about work.

me: the pace of blind dates is very fast. Ask if you can confirm the relationship after the first meeting. What will you do if two people have different rhythms?

friend: I have met more than one such person. At first, I was very upset. I felt like I was being used-it was too hasty. Do you like me, or do you just want to find someone to get married to? But I think I'd better ask the other person why he is in such a hurry. Some families are in a hurry, some hometown traditions are like this, some lack love experience, some are afraid of not being rewarded for their efforts, and some are purely stupid. What I wanted to express was to ask me what my impression of him was, but I didn't make it clear.

I will make it clear to each other that I plan to get to know each other better and then confirm the relationship. Love before marriage must be for a full year because crazy people go crazy only in spring. If the rhythm of two people is very different, they will not waste each other's time.

me: has anyone ever asked you any questions that embarrass you?

friend: yes, someone has asked, "are you a virgin?" I said, "do you think it's polite to ask this question the first time we meet?" "I'm sorry," he said. "this is something I value very much. I don't want to waste my time." I said, "are you a virgin?" He said, "Yes, I'm Catholic." Originally, I wanted to make a mockery, but they didn't have a double bed, so I could only respect him as a man. Perhaps because the blind date's educational background is good, people generally start to chat about their interests, educational experience, and work content, which is not embarrassing. Some people will ask questions about household registration, such as age, place of origin, establishment, parents' work, whether parents have health insurance, and emotional history. I usually answer according to my mood, and the universal answer is: "Why do you want to know this question?" If the relationship history is asked too early, I will say, "do you think it is appropriate to ask this question when you are not familiar with it?" Many straight men ask strange questions, not malicious, but low EQ, which can be forgiven.

avoid checking each other's accounts, you can start with yourself. Although many people say that blind dates are utilitarian, blind dates are not dead but decided by people. Your attitude will affect the other person, if you treat the other person as a person, there is a very high probability that the other person will be affected by you, and treat you as a person. If you prefer to see the advantages of the other person, then the other person will also like to see your advantages of you.

generally speaking, I have a better impression of men as a whole, and I even feel that people can be trusted. It would be incompetent if you don't make some positive efforts, just complain about how boring and cruel a blind date is, and have a victim mentality.

there is a negative example. My colleague, a man, has not been on a blind date for several years. Ask him why, he said that there are too few normal women, this worship of money, that unvirtuous, and then the next uneducated, finally found a hardworking, economical and reading girl, or gave up, because of single parents, he said that there must be something wrong with the other party's original family, which will affect the relationship. I said: "if I go on a blind date with you, it will be very annoying to you, because you have a pessimistic prejudice against the opposite sex, and you have to make special efforts to eliminate your prejudice." Then why not find someone more friendly to the opposite sex? "

me: some people are afraid of getting nothing in return for their efforts. How do you split the cost of your date?

Friends: China is so big that people in different places can have different ideas for 100 years. Some people think that the women who let men treat are not independent, or cheat on food and drink, some people think that you do not let him treat is to lose face. The best way to respect the other person is to ask him what he thinks of it. Among the people I have asked, the view of most men is that it is the default for men to treat, and if women also contribute, it can increase their feelings. The view of a small number of men is that if you have to pay for a man's treat, how can you spend a woman's money? The former kind of people I invite them to watch movies, the latter kind of people respect their choice.

me: no request for AA?

friend: anyway, I've never met anyone I met alone. If the other party has a particularly clear mind and is willing to AA both housework and raising children in the future, and it is up to the woman to decide whether or not to give birth, how many children and whose surname she will take, and if she has taken concrete action to solve the problem of different pay for equal work between men and women, then it is acceptable. If there is one thing that cannot be done, it is that the false equal rights are soft men, as far as they are. During the group activities of singles, he said, "Women on blind dates always don't take the initiative to pay for meals, cheating on eating and drinking." I said, "what kind of dinner did you buy?" He said, "Hong Kong Li." I said, "my family puts on makeup and eats extra meals on the way back and forth for at least three or four hours, to deceive you." It's not as good as an hour's overtime pay. If it is Daniel Wu, do you believe that they are willing to pay not only for meals but also for the room? then the question is: what is the gap between you and Daniel Wu? "

me: did you get angry after you rejected me?

Friends: very few, because I take full care of each other's self-esteem and tell him: "it's not your fault, you have 12345 advantages, but we are not suitable." Don't laugh, it's a good guy card, but I'm not making it up. 12345 of it is my real observation. I think, just...Whether we can be together or not, at least it can help them to be more confident on blind dates in the future, and don't let them invite me to dinner in vain.

there are only three very strange ones. I euphemistically said that they were inappropriate, and they began to swear, probably meaning: how old are you, and you don't dare to refuse me BLABLA because you are not so beautiful? you don't know how many women are waiting for me to be lucky.

me: what about you?

friend: scold back and block up. There is a dating site met, screenshot report after a while found that his account has been canceled. We must not let go of such people. Let them walk too much at night. To hell with them.

me: have you ever been rejected?

Friends: there are two people I'd like to know more about, but they didn't contact me for two weeks after they met. If I take the initiative to speak, they will answer very simply. Of course, I understand what's going on. But most of the time it is not interesting to each other, after the meeting, a few polite words, slowly fade away. At first, I thought: why don't you get in touch? How can I not? Later, I have seen more people, and I probably understand that it is very normal for blind dates to have no results. Rejecting others is also rejected, both feelings have been experienced, and we will know: whether a person likes you or not is not good with you, are two different things.

me: blind dates always eat and watch movies, which seems a little boring. Apart from these two projects, have you developed any other dating projects?

Friends: yes, I have seen exhibitions, been to haunted houses, concerts, hiking, strawberry picking, and so on. When I meet someone who loves sports, I have tried playing tennis, rock climbing, and going to the gym. I've never tried swimming. In my opinion, the majority of straight men should not try to see girls without makeup by swimming, it is easy to look lewd.

me: you have also met a few people on the matchmaking website. Do you think the matchmaking site is safe?

Friends: it is certainly not as safe as the introduction of elders, but it mainly depends on yourself. If you don't try to take advantage, you won't be cheated. For example, when you see a person who is handsome and rich and graduates from a famous school to live in a financial villa on a dating website, he is immediately tempted, without thinking about why the other person needs to come out on a blind date. At best, he may be used as a backup, at worst, he may be cheated.

there are a lot of people who have sex in the name of blind dates, such as someone who says, "I like to buy things for women, especially things that can be used by two people, such as condoms." I took a screenshot and reported this. To avoid meeting bad people and to avoid misunderstanding, when I was not a boyfriend or girlfriend, I made an appointment to meet in public during the day.

what's more, I only use the free service of the dating website. I haven't used a charge because I think it's too expensive and not worth it. With this money, you might as well take a long trip full of young people.

me: what is the most impressive thing about a blind date?

Friends: I have learned a lot about various industries. Usually, I come into contact with peers, and on blind dates meet people from all walks of life. There are many industries such as IT, finance, machinery, electricity, construction, and civil servants. Some of them are unpopular, such as archaeology, mining (mining in bitcoin), building missiles, and seafarers. Maybe I am curious and always ask them questions that they are willing to talk about. Some people say that blind dates are boring. I don't think that's the case. No one is boring. The key point is whether you are willing to tap each other's highlights.

for example, a straight man involved in building a high-speed rail is a technocrat, talking about everything like "Oh", "mm-hmm" and "yes". Only when it comes to trains, the whole person seems to shine. I listened to him talk for three hours about fluid mechanics and the difference between high-speed trains and ordinary trains. I didn't understand it, but I thought it was amazing. Finally, we talked about how he picked up wood chips everywhere to make small trains when he was a child. Isn't that cute? There is also a man who grew up in the countryside when he was a child, the legendary Phoenix man in the whole village for him to be admitted to college. Originally, I thought: Phoenix Man! I hear it's dangerous! But when he talked about herding cattle when he was a child, I was very moved by how he saw a different world in the eyes of cattle.

me: how do you know your husband?

Friends: I met at a singles activity. More than a dozen young people formed a group to walk along the Ancient Tea-Horse Road. He said that at first, he had the impression that I was sitting next to him at lunch. he saw me finish a bowl of rice, filled another bowl, and thought: this girl is good enough to eat, she must be in good health. I was so tired that I didn't even notice him. Later, when he was asked why he asked me out, he said that when he watched me eat, he thought I must be very honest.

me: how is your husband different from other people? Or, where did he impress you?

Friends: in fact, it is his general trust in people, and he thinks of people for the best, a bit like Guo Jing. There are many ways to interpret some things, and he always chooses the kindest one. For example, when he assigns a job, his colleagues in the same group choose the more difficult part and get more bonuses. Instead of saying that the other person grabs credit or loves money with him, he says, "XX is a responsible person who does the hardest things every time to make the rest of us less tired." For example, he had a blind date who cheated on him, and he would not say that this woman had psychological problems, but said, "she suffered a lot when she was a child, but I am not capable enough to bring her out. May she meet a better person." I thought: you are so kind, what should you do if you meet Zhai Xinxin? fortunately, you have met me, and I will take care of you later so that you won't be cheated by others.

me: what preparations did you make before you got married?

Friends: the wedding hasn't been held yet. If you know how complicated it is, you may not even want to get married. Before getting the license, we asked the New York Times 15 questions (attached at the end), and most of them reached a consensus.

me: I think I've asked all the questions I want to ask. Would you like to conclude your statement?

Friends: some people say: "the greatest effect of a blind date is that the moment you see a blind date, you know what you are in the eyes of the introducer." This funny saying, the accurate saying should be: "if you have a blind date many times, then in your eyes blind date is what you are." What you have in your heart, you have in your eyes. "

finally, I want to say to the blind date, don't be afraid of weird, because you don't marry the average of all your blind dates, but the best of them. And, even if you are demanding and want to be one in a hundred, then at least you have to have a hundred first, right?