How to accompany the child to digest those uncomfortable emotional experiences?

A mother left a message backstage and her child woke up crying in the middle of the night in a nightmare. What should I do?

what to do? tell the child not to be afraid, the mother is here.

you would do the same, wouldn't you? Yes, that's right. That's what the mother did.

but there is a paragraph after that, "I have been comforting the child, the mother is here, don't be afraid." But the child was still scared and uncomfortable, and then he threw himself into my arms and cried. What are we going to do? " Didn't

say "Don't be afraid, Mom is here"? It doesn't seem to work.

Why? Because the child experiences the emotion of fear, but he does not know that the emotion is fear, nor does he know how to deal with the emotional experience brought to him by the dream that has just happened. To put it simply, this is the matter, which he has not been able to digest by himself.

help children digest bad emotional experiences

so how to help children digest these bad experiences and emotions? A friend shared his approach with me.

one day, a friend and his three-year-old son were watching TV at home. Their TV was a big screen. While the advertisement was playing, suddenly a fierce cheetah rushed out of the screen, probably because the TV screen in their home was too big and high-definition. A friend described it as a feeling that the cheetah was about to jump out of the screen. His child was startled, then told him he was scared, and then began to cry.

when a friend saw the child's reaction, he hugged his son and said, "Don't be afraid, Dad is here." no, no, no. But the child was still scared and even said to stop watching TV. Under the impatience of the friend, he said that it was just an advertisement. Advertising? When the son heard that he said it was just an advertisement, the son's response was obviously better. The friend said that he seemed to feel the solution at this time.

so the father began to be more specific to his children: it was just a TV commercial, an advertisement about cars, and they wanted to express their ideas with a cheetah. However, when the cheetah first appeared, it seemed to pounce on you, so it scared you, didn't it? The reason they used a fierce cheetah is to show how fast and tough the car is.

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is really useful, the child stopped crying, and later, when watching TV, he also saw this ad clip many times. The child was no longer afraid and even told him that it was just an advertisement.

what is the principle of this?

British psychoanalyst Beon mentioned the classification of emotion in his Alpha function theory. He divided emotion into bearable emotional experience and unbearable emotional experience. Good parents can serve as containers for their children's emotional experiences, conceptualize those emotional experiences that their children cannot afford, and then return these easily digestible content to their children. To put it simply, the whole process is to name the child's emotional experience and accompany the child to digest those unbearable emotional experiences.

parents' support can ease the mood of children

my friend happened to do such a job for his child inadvertently. First of all, he caught the child's mood without impatience or feeling that it was a small thing. You know, at this time, many adults may think that this is a small thing, will say that the TV is fake, the leopard is fake, will not come. But for the child, his emotional experience is real, he is really scared by this picture, his physical tension, fear, anxiety and so on are all real.

in the process of holding the child's mood, the father inadvertently said, "this is an advertisement," and then described the content of the advertisement to the child in detail, the feeling that the picture brought to the child, and finally summed up again. It's just an advertisement.

after a round of processing of the father's container, the child knows the emotional experience just now, because there is such a holding container, which can make the child's emotional transition. The original unknown fear experience got something that can be described in words. When a thing, a nameless emotion can be well expressed, it doesn't feel like something unknown or uncertain. Coupled with the fact that the father is a calm and stable container, the child will feel more sense of security, and those unbearable emotional experiences will be digested and become bearable.

moreover, when the child sees the picture of the advertisement many times later, he can learn to transform and digest these emotions by himself. at the same time, his inner emotional space is gradually expanding, which is a very important mental function. Object relationship psychologist Winnikot once mentioned the theory of "holding environment". "supportive environment" means "holding environment" in English.

providing a supportive environment can effectively deal with and mitigate the unmanageable shocks that babies face, and provide space for babies to "continue to grow", which is very important for their spiritual integration.

Let's take a look at what happened when the child woke up crying in the middle of the night in a nightmare. What should I do? In addition to telling the child, don't be afraid, the mother is here, we can also describe the child's experience in detail. "you just had a nightmare, didn't you? Does this nightmare scare you? Mom is here. Mom is holding you. This is much more useful than just saying don't be afraid to the child.

whether children or adults, when we are emotionally frustrated, if we can get the emotional support and understanding of an environment and let our emotions be released in this container, but we can still feel the tolerance, care and support given by this environment, and we project negative information, and then feedback the processed information. Then through a period of adjustment and digestion, we can come out of the uncomfortable emotional experience, and the mind will grow up because of the care of this environment.