Girls who lack sex appeal.

those good girls who are not sexy in the past two years, many unmarried women have asked me about love and marriage, hoping that they can successfully fall in love and have a happy marriage. In this process, I have come into contact with a lot of 30-year-old women who have never been in love and found that they are eager for love, but they lack the experience of falling in love and the ability to love. They have one obvious commonality: the lack of sexuality. A person has never been in love, there are many internal reasons, among which the lack of sexuality will not only hinder a person from falling in love but also seriously hinder the blooming of a person's life energy. Of course, I think the lack of sex appeal is not only a problem for some older women who are not in love but also a problem for some older men who are not in love. When I say "sexy", I don't just mean sexy in the ordinary sense, that is, a person's appearance or dress can awaken the sexual consciousness of others, or a person can make the opposite sex feel a kind of sexual allure. "sexy" also means that a person has a kind of vitality of life, a feeling of lust, and a personal charm that can attract others. The sexy thing has little to do with whether a person is good-looking or not. Although some women are not very good-looking, they can give people a very sexy feeling. Like actress Angelina Jolie. My psychologist friend Lao Lu once asked me: have you noticed? Although some women are good-looking and fashionable, you just don't have any sexual feelings about them. Yes, there are such women. Although they are good-looking, they can't arouse any desire of others. Such as Nina, the dancer in the movie Black Swan. this kind of woman often gives people a conservative, cold, stereotyped, cowardly, timid look, not very interested in anything, and seems to show a kind of half-dead state inside. according to Freud's universal theory of sexuality, sexual desire is a person's greatest internal drive, the driving force of all human activities, it is a kind of instinct. Performance libido (Libido) drives a person to face the world, devote himself to life, study, work, and love are inseparable from this force. After puberty, sexual desire and sexual consciousness have germinated, and many people begin to fall in love at this time, driven by instinct to develop an interest in the opposite sex, longing for love, longing for physical contact. But many men and women who are not in love at the age of 30 seem to have never been in love, have no intention of falling in love, and are not interested in the opposite sex. You say he /she is gay, but he /she does not seem to be interested in the same sex. The lack of sexuality has something to do with our culture and family education. Sun Longji, a historian, said in his book The Deep structure of Chinese Culture that Chinese people are "non-sexual" and a kind of "asexual culture". He said: "in the design of 'people' in Chinese culture, we try our best to obliterate this stage psychologically because it regards' sex as a procedure for giving birth to boys and girls. It has never been understood that 'sex' can be the personality content of an 'individual' in full bloom." What is the "non-sexual" education in China? Many of us have been taught from an early age to be good children, good children, and are inculcated with the naive and unrealistic way of thinking that everything will happen as long as I study hard and be a good person. Your seven emotions and six desires as a normal person are not respected by your parents, and all your actions are subordinated to the goal of being a good boy and a good child. As a result, countless people's entire adolescence is spent studying and studying hard, "which can abolish the most sexually active adolescence." For a long time, a person is in a state of no desire, self-compression, and does not care about his own physical and psychological needs. When he grows up, he does not know how to interact with the opposite sex, let alone how to love a person. This has become the so-called "love incompetence".

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I have a client, Lei Lei, who has never been in love at the age of 31. She is dressed, the color is monotonous, and her whole body is only black and gray. Part of the conversation when I consulted her for the first time was like this: me: what do you think are the advantages of myself? She: kind, I am a good person. Me: well, is there anything else? She: no. Me: do you think a boy will fall in love with you because of your kindness? She: I don't know. Me: what kind of boys do you like? She: look at it a little more pleasing to the eye. Me: have you ever met a boy who was more pleasing to the eye? She: yes, but the other person doesn't seem to like me and says he has no feelings for me. Me: you got this result after confessing your love to each other? She: no, why confess your love? A good girl shouldn't take the initiative to express her love. And I don't know if I like him or not. After consulting her once, I felt that it was difficult to get close to her, the distance between us was very far, and her heart seemed to resist me. I expressed my feelings to her. She said that some friends and colleagues around her had said similar things to her, saying that she was not easy to get close to and was not warm to people. She told me that her parents were primary school teachers in third-tier cities, conservative and traditional, asking her to be a good girl, be kind to others, and be tolerant of those who hurt themselves, such as her classmates who laughed at her at school. During puberty, her parents did not allow her to have contact with the boy. Apart from caring about her body and study, they are indifferent to her emotional and spiritual needs and do not care about many of her inner feelings. When she was young, she still felt depressed, but when she grew up, she seemed to be numb and indifferent, and she felt boring about a lot of things. Another client, Lisa, 29, has never been in love and is eager to fall in love. During the consultation process, we inadvertently talked about sex because of a certain topic. She was very frightened and said that it was something that people had to face after marriage. Why did you talk to me? I said, you will encounter sexual problems when you fall in love, and you are already an adult, why can't you talk about it? She said nervously, "that's what college students do. I'm still a primary school student. Why are you talking to me about this?" It can be seen that girls like Leilei and Lisa have received a "de-sexualized" good person" education. After such education, many girls grow up to be kind and upright. A good woman who is very rigid and boring. The same is true of some men. although he is not gay, he is ignorant of women, has no desire, has little sexual desire, and usually only likes to stay at home and play games, becoming the so-called "herbivore man", or "mental impotence". They are often regarded as "honest people" and "good people". This kind of "good people" is very difficult to impress others, it is also difficult to have so-called feelings for others, there is no obvious enthusiasm for the opposite sex, and it is even difficult to make a clear judgment on whether they like a person or not. On Douban, there is a group called "People who have never been in love". There are as many as 150000 members in the group. It describes it like, "I don't know whether I have loved or not been loved, and whether I have been loved or not. It seems that in my memory, some people have hurt, and they have also hurt people, but they have not been in love explicitly." This sentence "I have never been in love clearly" makes people feel a little sad, and it also makes people see a sad state of self-awareness and ambiguity of self-feeling.

II. Passive personality unable to fall in love most young people who lack sex appeal share a common personality trait-extreme passivity. We meet such men and women in our psychological growth group. Some girls are academically excellent and even have a background of studying abroad, but they have never been in love, their eyebrows are often tightened, giving people the feeling of being serious and nervous, and speaking to the opposite sex in a very low voice, very shy. When they meet the opposite sex they like, they have no idea how to send a signal to each other, and they do not dare to call or send Wechat. They only know how to wait passively. In-depth understanding of her parents know that her moral requirements are very high, since childhood, she is not allowed to play with boys, want her to be a good lady, must go home before 10 p.m., the adult is also the same, is not allowed to spend the night outside. The same is true of some boys. They listen to their parents so much that they don't do what their parents are not allowed to do. In love, never take the initiative to pursue a girl, speak, do very passive things, never express themselves to the opposite sex, giving people a serious sense of self-compression. Sun Longji believes that sex requires a strong "self" to face independently. "on your side, from launching attraction, pursuing, responding, cultivating sentiment, persuading each other, to performing in bed, it involves a series of complex processes-a process that must be sufficiently aggressive to promote and organize with full self-confidence and will. and no one can do it for you, and you have to face it on your own." Initiative and aggressiveness are not only the display of a person's vitality but also the characteristics of a sexy person. People who lack initiative and aggressiveness often give people a feeling of negativity, inferiority, and weakness. Those older men and women who have never been in love lack such initiative and aggressiveness. They are highly dependent and lack the strength and charm of an independent person. Why does one lose autonomy, initiative, and aggressiveness? Psychologist Sven-Goran Eriksson's theory of eight stages of psychosocial development seems to tell us the answer.

Children at the age of 1-3 years old are in the shy and skeptical stage of autonomous vs. Compared with their infancy, their action power has been greatly improved, they have a certain degree of control, and they can decide whether to do it or not to do certain things. If parents restrict their children's behavior too much and discipline them too much, the child will be full of uncertainty and shyness about their behavior, thus hurting his sense of self-control and autonomy, unable to form a willing character, and lack of individual autonomy.

when children are 6 years old, they are active vs guilt stage. During this period, children began to explore the outside world and had their originality and imagination. if their parents did not actively encourage his active exploration, but by attacking and ridiculing him, the child would easily lack initiative. Unable to form a goal character, it is difficult to have "a courage to face up to and pursue valuable goals." The life of a person who lacks autonomy and initiative does not bloom outward in an all-around way but shrinks inward. Many of them have never gone all out to fight for and work hard for the people, things, and things they like. Maybe some people have tried, been suppressed and restricted by their parents, and then gave up. Perhaps some people lose the ability to be independent because their parents do everything for them, and they never have to worry about and face it. When these people grow up, they are more likely to live in a narrow environment that others choose for themselves than to make their own choices, and are more likely to listen to others to arrange their own lives. You don't see the lust and vitality that a normal person should have in them, just like a pool of stagnant water, they lose their autonomy and initiative in love, have no sex appeal, and when it comes to love, they only feel "troublesome" and "tired", and they are completely unable to fall in love.

I asked a girl why she had never been in love. She replied, "I don't dress up and my appearance is not attractive enough." I asked, have you ever dressed? She said, dressed up, is more beautiful, but I do not like that kind of myself. I asked, you mean you don't like your beautiful self? She looked at me and stopped talking. This girl is afraid to make herself sexually attractive or dare not to reveal her sexiness. She subconsciously thinks that being sexy is dangerous and can't connect herself to it. A woman who is afraid of revealing her sex appeal is not a woman at all. She is still a child inside and lacks the confidence of an adult. Maybe there is a worry inside her that she will become more beautiful and no one will love her. In order not to face such a possibility, she dared not make herself beautiful. Sexy lack "good people", because they cannot develop a relationship on their own, so they need a blind date, and then we see that blind dates are popular in this era. Nowadays, many young people who lack sex appeal have to go on a blind date to find someone to fall in love with and get married, because they don't know how to fall in love and can't show their sexual charm. Although they are adults, they are children's hearts. As my consultant said: although I am 29 years old, I am still a primary school student. But blind dates don't seem to be able to help adults fall in love with these children. I see a lot of older single men and women who are very anxious about love and marriage. You let him fall in love by himself, no; on a blind date, he can't find the feeling all the time, and then he becomes more anxious and falls into a vicious circle. Love is a thing that cannot be done by others. If men and women who have never been in love want to fall in love, start by cultivating their sexiness. How to cultivate it? You can start by exploring your body. Have you ever seen yourself naked? Have you ever touched your body seriously? Have you ever masturbated? Do you know how to relax? Do you know how to smile and look forward to it? Then re-recognize and face yourself, understand your desires and needs, and see what you like, what you don't like, and what you are easily attracted to. Cultivate your sense of autonomy in life, make decisions for your own life, be responsible, slowly build self-confidence, actively interact with others, and cultivate the feeling and ability of your lover. Falling in love is a thing to learn. First of all, it requires a person to mobilize their resources and energy to show themselves, to increase their attractiveness, to make others think you are cute and worthy of being loved. Secondly, it also requires you to know how to manage a relationship after attracting others, to deepen and update each other's feelings, and to maintain the sustainable development of the relationship. Love is an adventure for the brave and a game for the strong. If you want to fall in love, start by showing off your sexiness.