Emotional manipulation, soft violence in interpersonal relationships

scenario 1

because you had a little conflict with your boyfriend, you went to complain to your best friend and asked her to analyze the situation. \ & quote, I'm telling you. I've been talking to that guy lately. How to. What do you think I should do? \ & quot; a best friend said:\ & quot; is talking about you! The one of ours doesn't worry me lately. Yesterday. Quote; talked about the causes and consequences for a long time, but not only your problem was not solved, but she was analyzed for a long time. As a result, this best friend doesn't seem to care about your advice, as long as you say it, you will be happy.

scenario 2

your girlfriend has been in a bad mood recently, and you don't know why. Ask her directly, but she says:\ & quot; if you care about me, you should know why I am unhappy. How can you be so selfish and inconsiderate! quote; has been dragging his feet day after day. Guess right and left. Did you order the wrong dish the last time you invited her to dinner? Did you forget the important anniversary again? It was not until she finally felt that you had suffered enough that she finally told you that when you ate KFC that day, you forgot to buy her favorite roast wings. And you think you've done something big these days.

scenario 3

you are busy and tired at work and don't talk much when you get home. Your mother insisted on coming to you to tell you the gossip about Aunt Zhang's family downstairs today. You said to your mother, "Mom, I'm really tired now.". " Your mother stared and said:\ & not; are you tired?! Do you still have the right to say tired? Don't you just go to a bullshit class? Think you're great? Isn't that how I got here? Who did I tell when I was tired? I raised you, you little white-eyed wolf! \ & quot;

"eight typical manifestations of emotional manipulation"

1. The king of environmental damage-"I'm having a hard time, and I'm not going to make it easy for you." two。 Spotlight enthusiasts-"you said you had a headache? Do you know? I have brain cancer! " 3. People, who are willing to help others-"what do you want in return for helping you like this?" 4. Irresponsible loser-"A thousand mistakes, it's not my fault!" 5. Insult master-"look at you, why are you so fat!" Ah. Why are you angry? I'm kidding. " 6. Master of guilt-"No matter what you do, you are sorry to me." 7. Hint to the queen-"if you love me, you know what I mean." 8. Expert in deception-"I never said that at all." You said it! "

1 the king of environmental damage: "I'm having a hard time, and I won't make you feel better."

I don't know if you've ever noticed that there is such a person around you whose mood will directly affect the people around him, whether you like it or not. You will be affected by them. That's who my dad is. When I was very young, he taught me a principle\ & quot; fully unpleasant\ & quot; principle. The essence of this principle is: if I am unhappy (if you make me unhappy, whether you mean it or not), I will try my best to make your life fully unpleasant until I am happy. This principle is one of the eight signs of emotional manipulation,\ & quot; emotional environment control\ & quot; (emotional climate control). For example, if the sabotage king is unhappy about something, it may be because of you, or it may have nothing to do with you, you just happen to be by his side. He is likely to fall in front of you on purpose, maybe cold-spoken, insinuate you, or criticize everything you do. Usually, you can listen to music in your room. At this time, he may angrily ask you to lower your voice and scold you for not caring about his life or death. You were happy to talk to your friend on the phone, and he deliberately turned on the TV so loudly that you couldn't go on. You put down the phone and ask him, but he will take the opportunity to scold you and you will know how to talk on the phone. Cooked his usual favorite food, but he complained that it was too salty or too light, and attacked you that he couldn't do even a little thing well. The horror of destroying the emotional environment is that the sabotage kings can make the people around him live cautiously in the emotional minefields he has planted. We will think:\ & quot; Gee, I must be careful not to make him angry. Otherwise, everyone will have a hard time. \ & quot; or\ & quot; hope he doesn't get angry about anything else. Or I'll be screwed. Quote; not only will we change our normal life procedures to please them, but if we know why they are angry, we will also solve problems for them that should have been solved by them to make their lives easier.\ & We will not only change our normal life procedures to please them but also solve problems that should be solved by them if we know what they are angry about. For example, I had planned to go out to play but gave up for fear of the emotional manipulator's attack. I originally wanted to cook something I liked, but I was angry with the emotional manipulator, so I changed my mind to cook what he liked to please him. I originally wanted to watch 8 TV series, but to please him and cheer him up, I watched another TV show on Channel 4 that you didn't like. These seem to be trivial things, and some people will say:\ & not; isn't that normal? The person you care about is unhappy, isn't it right for you to do something to make him happy? The crux of the quote; problem is not what you did for the emotional manipulator, but what you did it for. In the end, because you love him, you are willing to do it for him, and you are very happy to do it. Or are you afraid that he will lose his temper again and have to make him happy, feel cheap after doing it, or breathe a sigh of relief when he is finally happy? If you are for the second reason, over time, you will continue to solve problems for him, be swayed by his emotions, and constantly worry about what you have done wrong. Until one day you find that you are not living for yourself, but living for the joys and sorrows of this emotional manipulator, and his frown and smile influence your behavior, then your relationship will no longer be healthy, but a morbid quot; dependence.

Countermeasures

Don't be affected by him. Don't change your plans to take care of his mood. For example, you have an appointment to go out with a friend tonight, and he comes back angrily at this time. Generally speaking, emotional manipulators will not directly ask you to change your plans. He will tell you\ & quot; to play! Leave me alone. \ & quot; or something like that. Of course, he used expressions and movements to ask you to stay with him. No, please don't stay. Go out and play according to your original plan. In essence, emotional manipulators are trained. When they get along with others, they can't help but use the way of doing things that can bring them the greatest benefit. If his attack succeeds in getting you to change your original plan (successfully manipulating you), he will get worse next time. Don't let him get away with it. Don't let him ruin your mood. Let him learn to take responsibility for his actions and let him learn to communicate his feelings with you in a healthy way.

2 spotlight enthusiasts "you say you have a headache?" Do you know? I have brain cancer! "

No matter what predicament you are in right now, the emotional manipulator will always be worse than you. When you come to them for help and support, they will sympathetically say:\ & quot; Oh. Really. I was much more miserable than you at that time /now. As soon as the topic changed in this way, quot; they became the subject of conversation and the object of sympathy. Emotional manipulators always have to be the protagonists, they always want the spotlight on them, and they will make themselves the center of the conversation anyway. So, no matter what you tell them, they end up blaming themselves. The most typical keyword is:\ & not; what is your little pain? I am. How, like this, didn't I survive, too? quote; is supposed to cheer you up and show sympathy, but in fact, he wants you to sympathize with what happened to him. Perhaps some people will say:\ & quot; persuade people, of course, people will use their examples. We're not professional psychologists. It is a good thing for quot; to use his case to persuade others about their situation, and for those who are in trouble, they will know that they are not the only ones who have encountered such a thing. But the question is when you persuade others, do you focus on other people's problems, or do you focus on nagging about your things? When you quote your example, it is to prove that you have experienced more than he has experienced, and your experience is even worse than his. ). Or is it to let him know that what he has been through is not so terrible and that he is fully capable of making it through it?

Countermeasures

for this kind of person, don't give him a chance to talk about himself. When he starts talking about himself, you should just say:\ & quote; we're not talking about you. I'm talking about me. When quot; is like this, he usually has two reactions: 1. Let you go on, but lose interest in the conversation. two。 Accuse you of being self-centered and not caring about him. In any case, you won't get the upper hand on this issue. So, the best way is not to go to him for help. He only cares about himself, and it's no use for you to go to him.

3 helpful person "what do you want in return for me for helping you like this?"

Chinese people pay attention to the grace of quot; dripping water and respond to Yongquan\ & quot; \ & quot; type emotion manipulators will be happy to do you a little favor, sometimes even volunteer to help you, and then hope that you will be grateful to him from now on, unforgettable. For example, if you are looking for a job, he will actively introduce your relationship and even organize your resume. After you say thank you gratefully, he will sigh or shake his head to imply that he is reluctant to do this for you. If you ask him if he doesn't want to help, he will pretend to be surprised and say,\ & quot; of course, I'd like to help you! Quote; leaves you speechless but burdened. After you find a job, he will ask from time to time (in public or in private) how much you owe him in the first place, regardless of whether the last job you are looking for has something to do with him or not. People who are willing to help others have a particularly good memory for the quot; good deeds they do for others as if they have a small notebook in their head that records what he has done and what he has done to help you. The most important thing is that when there is a conflict between the two of you, he will use it as a weapon to attack you to show how much he loves you and help you find a job in the first place. And now that you have found a good job, how ungrateful and selfish it is to spend less time with him. You are the least grateful person in the world. None of us are saints, and of course, we want to be thanked and rewarded for what we have done for others. There are indeed people in the world who you have made 100 for him, but he is not even willing to do it for you. However, working for the one you love should not be a means of blackmailing him. If you find that your lover can count the good things he has done for you, and talk about it all the time, you should be careful.

Countermeasures

if he is willing to do it, make him responsible for his actions. Don't let him blame you for what he has done. If he doesn't want to do it, but\ & quot; reluctantly\ & quot; did it, just tell him,\ & quot; don't do this! Quote; he may be hurt, but after a few times he will know that he can't control you in this respect. Women account for the majority of this issue. Count. I hear words like this almost every day:\ & quot; I have done so much for him. \ & quot; You did so much for him, you love him, you are willing. He didn't put a gun on you to do this for him. You shouldn't use these things to force him to do anything right now. Love is not an exchange, you do 50%, I do 50%, no one owes each other. If you love him, do it for him. If you don't love him, go away.

4 irresponsible loser "A thousand mistakes, it's not my fault!"

\ & quot; I did go a little too far the other day, but it was all because you were mad at me! \ & quot;\ & quot; I screwed up last time because my colleagues at work were jealous of my ability and deliberately set me up! \ & quot;\ & quot; you know under what circumstances I came out on my own. (pull the family history N minutes), you can't ask me to adapt to this environment at once. \ & quot;\ & quot; I don't trust you and check your letters privately because my ex-boyfriend /girlfriend betrayed me and I don't trust anyone anymore. \ & quot;\ & quot; I'm under so much pressure right now, how come you don't know how to support me, just quarrel with me and pick my fault! You are so selfish! \ & quot; A thousand words, it's your fault, it's his parents' fault, it's his previous failed relationship, it's the society's fault, it's the country's fault. No matter what they say, it's not their fault. These perfect\ & quot; irresponsible losers\ & quot; accomplish nothing in life, but there are always all kinds of excuses. At the beginning of your relationship, he will tell you his quote; miserable family history\ & quot; at the end of the book. You may think this person looks a little emotional, can arouse your compassion, and is very dependent on you, trusting (to tell you all the things that make him miserable. ), you suddenly feel that you want to save him and take care of his life. Well, congratulations on being his second mother. Such people don't know how to take responsibility for their actions. You can't even accuse him of doing something wrong. Because he will instantly shift his fault to others, and the most effective goal is you. Originally, he forgot your birthday, but you brought it up to him, but he said:\ & not; why can't you forgive me? I work so hard to earn money to support my family, isn't it for you? You want this and that all the time, you don't care about my mood at all, and you have the nerve to complain that I forgot your birthday?. You are so selfish! All of a sudden, quot; you go from being reasonable to being unreasonable, and you may feel that you are making a mountain out of a molehill and making a mountain out of a molehill. Every time you point out what he has done wrong, he will find a way to hold you accountable for his actions. Over time, you will get used to his complaining, habitually responsible for him, habitually take care of him through his not; crisis\ & quot; When you are with him, you will feel exhausted and have no time to take care of your life and needs.

Countermeasures

make him responsible for his actions and don't fall into his trap. If he forgets your birthday and shifts the fault to you, tell him clearly: quot; you go out to make money, not for me, but yourself. If we're not together, you won't work? Don't say everything is someone else's fault. You forgot my birthday and made me feel like you didn't care about me at all. This is your fault. You have to apologize. It may be straightforward for quot; to say this. He may be angry, but don't give in.

5 damaging master "look at you, why are you so fat!". Ah. Why are you angry? I'm kidding. "

there are people who over the years depreciate and belittle the people around them to elevate themselves (it seems that there are more boys). If others are angry because of his behavior, he will be very indifferent to say;\ & quot; you really can not help but tease, I am joking. You're not going to do that, are you? Quote; if someone else loses back and he can't win, he will soon become angry. They will laugh at his girlfriend in public.\ & quot; how could you be so stupid? \ & quot;\ & quot; you look like a pig in that dress today. \ & quot;\ & quot; what do you know about a junior college student? Don't be stupid with that. quote; if you are angry, he will isolate you in front of his friends and make you a narrow-minded, unhumorous woman. If you tell him directly, he won't care that he's just joking and that you're making a mountain out of a molehill. In the end, I will add\ & quot; you are stupid. \ & quot; or\ & quot; come back if you can. Between quot; male and female friends, sometimes there will be the kind of\ & quot; bad friends\ & quot; damage to each other, take pleasure in this, but also show that the relationship is close, there are no taboos to speak. It is precise because of the existence of such a relationship that the emotional manipulators of\ & quot; jokes\ & quot; have a chance to take advantage of. They aim to deal a blow to the self-esteem of their girlfriends. At first, I just thought that this person liked to joke and talked freely. However, the human brain has no choice but to believe what it hears the most. If a person always says around you that you are fat, you are stupid, you can't wear clothes, you don't deserve him. Over time, you will feel that it is a stroke of great luck for a worthless person like yourself to be taken a fancy to by him. He will slowly move from just joking to hurting your self-esteem to interfering with your decisions.

case

A woman wants to be a teacher but takes a year's course to get a teacher's license (teachers in California need a license). When she asked her boyfriend for advice, the gentleman said:\ & quot; of course, I support you.!. But you are so stupid, the ability is very ordinary, do things from the beginning to the end, can you do it? \ & quot; she didn't say anything at the time. After that, the two went out to dinner with friends. Her boyfriend mentioned in front of everyone that she was going to take the teacher's license and laughed and said\ & quot; I said. You little fool, if someone else studies for a year, you may have to study for 10 years. Quote; then hugged her tightly and said,\ & quot; but I just love you, you little idiot! quote; made her feel terrible, but she couldn't get angry at all. In this situation, the hardest thing for the woman is that she does not get support. If they complain to their friends, in the vast majority of cases, their friends will feel that she makes a mountain out of a molehill, thinks too much, thinks too much, and takes her heart too seriously. Or, will advise her to scold back, but also to belittle each other. However, many people do not like to talk like a quarrel, and many girls essentially do not want to belittle others. At this time, they will feel that they are completely isolated. They have not done anything wrong, but everyone thinks that she is wrong. This is also the effect that the master of damaging people wants to achieve.

Countermeasures

break up. I'm sorry unless you're willing to change yourself to deal with him, it's better to break up. Sometimes, boys may not pay attention to what they say, once or twice, can be forgiven. However, after you mentioned to him many times that you did not like him to belittle you and said that you thought it hurtful for him to say so, he not only did not apologize, did not change his speaking attitude, but even blamed you for overreacting. Then you have no choice. The above-mentioned lady, who successfully got a teacher's license after breaking up with her boyfriend, has now begun to teach.

6 Master of guilt "No matter what you do, you are sorry to me."

We all make mistakes, often unintentionally, especially when two people just start a relationship and don't know much about each other, so it's easy to say the wrong things, forget something, and hurt each other. After making up for such a mistake with a sincere apology, both of them should let go of this burden and move on. But there is a kind of person who will carefully write down all the wrong things you have done, whether you have apologized or not (especially those you have apologized to,because it proves that you have admitted your mistake). And then use it as a weapon to attack you the next time you fight.

case

A woman who has been married for 8 years has known her husband for more than 10 years. I still remember when her husband stood me up when he first met her. Every time they quarreled, she would bring it out (and many other things), whether it was related to the content of the quarrel or not. Her husband apologized and never stood up. But I still have to apologize to her again and again, saying how guilty I am and how I hurt her feelings. The woman came to consult because she couldn't let go of her husband's fault. She remembers that when she was young when she fought with her brother, she would put her shoes in a row, ready to throw one at her brother. Now she is still saving her weapons, and she will remember all the mistakes made by her husband, and then take them out and hit them one by one. The most frightening thing is that she blamed her husband for the damage she suffered before she met her husband. The classic saying is:\ & quot; what you did reminds me of how I was when I was a child. What my mother did to me. Quote; She is also very unhappy, feeling that she is angry or angry in her life. She feels that her husband has done so many things to her that he owes her for the rest of his life. She remembered these bad things, not only to attack her husband but also as an excuse and bargaining chip to hurt others. When her husband asked her why she was having an affair, she plausibly said,\ & quot; you are sorry I have a lot of things! Who are you to blame me?. Quote; then began to list her husband's mistakes one by one from breaking the appointment. In the end, her husband felt sorry for her and had to be responsible for her for the rest of his life. Poor man. During the group mediation, the psychological counselor asked her, since this man is so bad to you, why don't you leave him? She said:\ & quot; he's the only one I've ever had in my life. I can't live without him. The sentence "quot;" sounds surprising, but it is normal, fully exposing the morbid relationship between the two of them\ & quot; dependence\ & quot; (codependence). They only have constant pain together, unless one side decides to break this vicious circle.

Countermeasures

guilt is a very strong emotion, and it is easy for us to agree to a lot of unreasonable demands when we feel indebted to others. It's easy to be controlled by the other person and do what you don't want to do, but you still feel responsible. Learn to say\ & quot; No & quote; when the other person threatens you with your fault, learn to distinguish what you should do, what you want to do, and what the other person has forced you to do for a variety of reasons. You have inevitably done something wrong, but if your boyfriend /girlfriend keeps looking up old debts, making you feel sorry for the other person, and making you feel small and humble, get out of the relationship as soon as possible. Otherwise, you will get deeper and deeper, and you will end up like the man in the case, unable to extricate yourself.

7 hints to the Queen, "if you love me, you know what I mean."

indeed, I have seen a lot of old couples who have been helping each other for decades, and it is needless to say that they already know what each other means. Such a tacit understanding exists. After decades of living together! If you two have just started dating, she asks you to understand her needs before she thinks about it or to guess her favorite dessert when she doesn't tell you directly, and after you don't think about it or guess wrong, blame you for not being considerate to her, not thinking about her, and not loving her at all. You need to be more careful. You may have met a\ & quot; hintQueen\ & quot; Generally speaking, most girls like to use\ & quot; hints\ & quot; to achieve their own goals. Because girls are always more attentive and sensitive in character. They will notice a lot of things that boys ignore. So, most of the time, they feel that they have expressed it so clearly that they only need to write a note and paste it on their foreheads, but the boys are still so Oblivious. These difficulties and distances in communication are understandable. At the beginning of the relationship, both sides are not sure what the other means, afraid of being rejected, afraid of being too direct, will be ambiguous, or throw a few hints to see if the other party can answer, these are normal behaviors. I said\ & quot; implies that the Queen\ & quot; is when you two have established a relationship, or have cohabited, engaged, married. They still adopt the method of\ & quot; hint\ & quot; to their own needs, and never say it bluntly. Even when you finish doing things for them, they pose as\ & quote. I didn't ask you to do\ & quote.

case

With emphasis on details, casual country wedding dresses is a must have for any lady. Find your favorite and it will remain fashionable and fabulous for the years to come.

A girl from college with me came to the discussion group and complained that her boyfriend didn't care about her. She said that she likes a pair of earrings and hopes her boyfriend will give them to her as a gift. So she took her boyfriend who didn't like shopping to Mall and said to him,\ & quot, look how cute those earrings are. Quote; her boyfriend was absent-minded and almost every dress or jeans of this girl would say\ & quot; look how cute that xxx is! quote; according to herself, her boyfriend offered to buy something for her at first, but:\ & quot; I want that earring! I'm just saying that everything else is cute! He can't even guess! You don't love me at all. \ & quot; this is a relatively harmless example. I know a couple whose husband keeps hinting that he wants to go back to school but never brings it up directly. It's just that every time I see a school advertisement or pass through college, I sigh with disappointment, or discuss with his wife what quot; I would choose if I could choose a course. quote; and other hypothetical topics. His wife asked him if he wanted to go back to school for further study, but he said\ & quot; how can I go back? Now the family is not rich. You don't work either.