Eating, drinking, sex, love, waiting in the big city, and parents who can't go back.

1.

"There is no happiness in life. Don't pay the price." If you take advantage of the east, you have to lose in the west. "

this Spring Festival is the first Spring Festival I have spent at home since I returned home. I went to two provinces and several cities and spent a week sticking together with my parents I haven't seen for a long time.

when I go home this time, what I fear most is going to the grave with my mother. When she went back to the grave a few years ago, my mother knelt in front of a crowd and cried in the cemetery, crying so much that she was almost out of breath. When I tried to pull her, she opened my hand and said viciously to me, "what do you know? my mother is much nicer to me than I am to you!"

my mother grew up in a small town in Zhejiang in the 1980s. Her parents' greatest wish is to train their children to become college students after resuming the college entrance examination. And they got what they wanted. my mother was admitted to college and later settled in Beijing. like the young people of our time, she loved everything about the big city and wanted to share it all with my grandparents.

my grandparents both died in their 80s, and their lives are not short. Before their death, they had children and grandchildren around their knees, accompanied by children and daughters like my mother, who stood out in the big city. Financially, my mother bought it before they even opened their mouth, but it was followed by endless arguments about "Why waste so much money" and "Don't be so frugal".

however, when my grandparents died, my mother fell into endless remorse: she felt that she did not give my grandmother the best treatment, failed to prolong her life, did not live long enough to travel abroad by plane, and did not live long enough to see her great-grandson born. She also felt that she was too busy at work and went homeless often, and failed to accompany her every day like my uncle and aunt in the small town. Her self-remorse reached a morbid level. No one in the family dared to mention my grandparents. No one in our family was allowed to see a doctor in the Beijing hospital where my grandma died. Even, her extreme guilt about her parents extended to me and my father: "if it wasn't for you, I would have gone home to spend more time with my parents!" "if you didn't take the high school entrance examination and the college entrance examination, how could I."

when I came home as an adult, I had some relatively equal exchanges with my elders who had not communicated before, and I saw a lot of contemporary young people in my parents. They came out of the college entrance examination in small cities and went to big cities 30 years ago to find people like them and pursue their coveted spiritual and material life. My father told me that when he graduated from college and was assigned to Wuhan, he found that he was completely unable to integrate into the traditional society and market life in Wuhan, so he began to write books, gave up his social life, and eventually moved to Beijing.

"Beijing and Shenzhen," my father always said, "these two cities are relatively fair, you can have no relationship, no background, and strive to get what you want here. It's so hard in other places. "

however, for young people like my parents who chose to go to big cities, I believe their original intentions at that time were similar to those of contemporary young people: bizarre cities, local delicacies, all kinds of people, and, the farther away from the traditional relationship society in which they grew up, the better.

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2.

"Sunny days" (1994)

when I was young, I went back to my mother's hometown in Zhejiang every year, and I was waiting in the house to go back to Beijing.

when I was young, the thing I was most afraid of was leaving Beijing. Although I didn't explore the city when I was at school, going out without seeing people was my biggest nightmare. When I went back to my parent's hometown, there were no high-rise buildings, no lights, and drinks, and I felt that I had lost a kind of hope that I could see my life when I grew up.

Big cities exist in movies, literature, and music. Sometimes when I am free to take a look at the mainstream domestic romance films from the 1980s to the present, many of the backgrounds are set in the north, Shanghai, and Guangzhou, so that people can have an emotional connection at once. So that people can have unlimited fantasies about the city they live in.

however, I later found out that I was not afraid to leave the big city. The so-called "big city" was just a concept, and the big city was deserted to death during the Spring Festival. I used to think that I was just afraid of small towns, but sometimes I didn't go back to my hometown for the Spring Festival. I spent the Spring Festival with my parents in Beijing, looking at the empty Chang'an Street and Xidan. The only place I could go was the crowded, magical, and gaudy temple fairs. Suddenly I felt that it was not the fear of leaving the big city, but that the big city did not look like a big city. The big city, without people, restless and deserted, has completely lost its charm.

my friend who lives in New York told me that whenever she left the city during the holiday, she would feel a sense of desperate loneliness.

New York is full of traffic, a less crowded place in the world.

she lives in Times Square. I often went to see her when I was at school, and I felt embraced by the world and abandoned by myself. Walk a little slower on the road, and there may be three languages scolding you later.

after she left New York, she felt even more confused in the small town where she grew up.

Why? Because in New York, you can see what you want to be. When I return to my hometown, I can only see the life that is easy for me to live.

my father is in his 50s, but he likes dirty New York and can walk alone in New York for a long time. He says the city is full of vitality, just like Beijing in the 1990s. This young man's city makes him feel that he is still young.

3.

"I love my family" (1993)

my mother has always felt very guilty that her parents gave her the best thing they could give her at that time, but she didn't give her parents the best thing she could give.

she always feels sorry for my death. Her grandparents forced her to go to college so that she could have a more ideal life, but she failed to let her parents enjoy the best conditions, failed to let them live up to now, go abroad to play, use good things, and luxuries.

and my grandparents, even if they have those conditions, will not want to enjoy them. The happiness for them may be to watch their daughters who are admitted to college live a more ideal life, rather than accompany themselves every day and give them material comforts that most people do not have.

No one owes anyone. Parents have fun in raising their children, and what children can do is not to feed the beast to their aging parents and give up everything they have to accompany them as they grow old. To meet all their demands, but to help them increase the depth of their lives. The pleasure of parents in raising their children also exists in watching their children grow up on their own. Sometimes the best feedback is to let parents still find comfort in their original values, rather than giving them all the best things they have ever seen.

filial piety, the highest level of filial piety, actually satisfies parents' spiritual world and idealism, rather than giving them material things and practical companionship. For example, the "great filial piety" in Chinese traditional culture is to die for the country, and the martyrs cannot accompany their parents to their old age, but their parents are spiritually satisfied and respect the personality of their children.

when I read Fu Lei's Letters, what moved me most was Fu Lei and his wife's support for their children's pursuit of their dreams. A paragraph in their letter to their children was full of love and passion, which made me feel that their happiness in raising and educating their children came from the heart:

"Mom said that your letter seemed to be full of sparkling. Of course, you are covered with the spark of youth, the bright color of youth, the life and talent of youth, naturally written out has such a great attraction. My mother and I often say that this is the golden age of your life. I hope you will be all right. Good enjoyment and experience will give you the foundation of the most wonderful memories in your life! Watch oneself grow up and mature day by day, progress, understand more and more things day by day, the spiritual field is broadened day by day, broad-minded day by day, feelings are day by day plump and profound: "this is not the best happiness in life!" This is not the most meaningful and fascinating poem! How lucky you are, son! "

sometimes, children who go to big cities to struggle are the most simple, happy, and living in the present, which is the greatest comfort and gratitude to their parents. When you go home, open up with your parents and talk about their changed outlook on life and the world. Maybe they will understand. "do what you can" is easier said than done. You don't owe them a secular "perfect" old age, just as they don't owe you a secular "perfect" childhood.

May we all treat our parents and hometown in the distance with the sincerity of Mr. and Mrs. Fu Lei.