About accepting loneliness.

about accepting loneliness  

after my mother died, I abandoned it for a while.

my ex-boyfriend called from abroad asked me how I felt and morally urged me to eat Rest and record songs for me, until I said stop, you go and do your job. I'm all right now.

I'm trying to say that I suck. I don't know who to live for.

during that time, my friends were very good. They dragged me out to eat and drink, and my work was put down. No one came to ask for drafts to collect debts. I lived like the prince of a rich family, changing people to play with me every day and partying every night.

but I have to fucking go home.

Home, at that time, almost became a worry for me. Once I went in, I didn't want to go out, and after I went out, I didn't want to come back. What has been the mechanism has been broken, I can not think of what it is, until one day, I got up, went out and bought durian in the vegetable market.

at that time, I didn't like durian as much as I do now. Like everything else on the shelf, it was just a slightly more expensive fruit. But when I bought it, there was a kind of joy in my heart, as if I had done something pleasing, eager for someone to see it and want to be praised.

so I walked home happily carrying the precipitated durian, with inexplicable joy.

it wasn't until I got to the street not far from home that I suddenly remembered that I wanted to buy this thing back and give it to my mother to eat.

Oh, fuck.

I was not a good person at that time.

later I said to Miyuki Suzuki, you know, now I go out to buy noodles and cook them, I always find it strange-why I eat so much when I buy regular quantities, and then I find out that I bought a quantity for two people. She said I understand, and it was the same when I first came to Beijing.

I said.

I want to say, you don't understand.

you are just Beijing drifters. When you go back to Osaka, you still have a family. There is nothing left in my family. I don't want to go out not because I am lazy, but because I am afraid to come back, because I have to face this lonely home where there is no more light, no Scald hot food on the table, and no one to greet you. And the future is gone, although I have always been independent, in my plans for the future, I always have to consider my parents. In the future, there is a person who will follow my life. She will always exist on the road of my life, from a vigorous queen to a dwindling little old lady. I need her to verify my future.

but when I didn't expect it at all, she left free and easy, leaving me here alone.

when I knew the road ahead without her, I was going to die alone at that moment.

it's not that I can't fit in with other people, it's not that simple, you know, there is a specific position and fixed relationship lost from your life, and when you face it again, you will find that you have lost your identity and position. And the sad thing at this time is that those memories and interpersonal relationships related to it will pop up, desperately identify your lost identity, and kill your last little retreat on this matter in various ways called goodwill but desperation, so that you must realize that you are alone in this matter.?.

my relatives are unaware of my delicate mood. when they see me, they always mention my mother and satisfy their yearning feelings with tears and memories, but do not consider my emotions. You know, when my mother was still alive, among these herbivorous relatives, we were like leopards on the prairie, sensitive and sharp, defending each other, and never be run over by their weakness. But now their self-pity and seemingly well-intentioned actions that force me to remember are all gouging out my heart like a sharp blade.

they should not have hoped for loneliness in the first place. These people could eat and drink as soon as they came back from the crematorium, completely unaware of the people who went home alone and lay in the house without food or drink for three days.

I used up all hope for them in those three days, didn't I?

after thinking for a while, I decided to go to Singapore to hide, to hide from this home that clearly shows that I am alone, to hide from the face that suddenly burst into tears when I saw me, and to avoid people who wiped away tears with satisfaction after remembering it, regardless of whether I was sick or not.

so I left for a long time, but it didn't work. The empty house didn't change when I came back, and it became more unpopular.

red evening dresses with sleeves are eternal topic of fashion, which showcase your unique figure. Browse through our versatile collections that have something for every style and length.

loneliness has become a curse. I can't accept it. I can't spend it.

then I broke my leg.

my friends and brothers forced me to the hospital to prove that I was broken, showed me, and then took me home. With the last glimmer of hope, I called my relatives, and all I got back was a count, asking me why I broke it. Do you know that this is looking for trouble for everyone? why are you so grown-up?

A relative came once, bringing enough meat and something to eat for a few days. I forgot. And never came to see me again.

I removed the splint in a week, jumped at home with crutches, drank water, ate, went to the toilet, and jumped on one leg. With KFC and my brother visiting once a week, I lived for three months. As a result of broken bones and good legs and knees, I was finally able to go out from home with crutches.

then I'm not fucking afraid of being alone.

do you know what loneliness is? it's a luxury. It's the petty bourgeoisie mood you feel when you're idle and you don't have anything to worry about. You feel sorry for yourself, you're lonely, you're weak, you're lonely, you embrace useless people and things. Hoping that you are lonely. You are as hungry as a dog to go downstairs to find food. it takes more than ten minutes to go up and down several floors at a time. Every step makes you shiver like an electric over. how dare you be lonely?

the moment I appeared in the community on crutches, I felt too powerful.

I have a crutch, so no one can do me.

Fuck.